What is the “orgasm gap”?

 

A term popularized in this part of Europe by the late sexology pioneer Dr. Ellen Laan, the orgasm gap refers to the disparity between the reported number of (cis) men versus (cis) women who tend to orgasm during a male/female sexual encounter. According to a 2024 New York times article by Catherine Pearson, new research has once again upheld this finding: “The research, published recently in the journal Sexual Medicine, found that across all ages, men of all sexual orientations reported higher orgasm rates during sex — from 70 to 85 percent — compared with 46 to 58 percent for women.” Basically, that’s 80% for men versus 50% for women – a chunky gap.

 

Note: It’s important to note that  all women in real life don’t have vulvas/vaginas, of course, and all men don’t have penises. There are lots of possibilities, especially once trans and nonbinary folks are in the mix.  But I’ll simplify it here in this blog post because the research itself is decidedly cisgender.  Hope that’s ok!

 

 

Why do men orgasm more often than women?

 

Why is this? “We really, as a society, sort of prioritize men’s pleasure and undervalue women’s sexual pleasure,” Dr. Gesselman said. “And I think that contributes to consistent disparities.”  In short, society acts like men’s orgasms are mandatory, and women’s are optional!

 

Certain myths, such as the myth of the incredibly complicated nature of the female orgasm in general and cunnilingus in particular, make it seem like it’s OK to not spend too much energy on helping a woman achieve orgasm.

 

And unfortunately, women often believe this — they feel “greedy” asking for better sex positions, for choosing to stimulate their own clitorises during intercourse (which, by the way, statistically 70-80% of ALL women need during penis-in-vagina intercourse in order to orgasm!), and for letting sex or cunnilingus happily go along AS LONG AS IT NEEDS TO!

 

This is, naturally,  not greedy in the least!

 

Sure, cunnilingus takes a minute

 

Honestly,  I do blame porn for enhancing this latter myth, that women orgasm from cunnilingus within (no joke!) 30 seconds. While a few lucky women may be able to pull this off, the vast majority of women are going to need some — or many — minutes. Or a half hour. Or 45 minutes. And if they would like to have more than one orgasm, then more minutes! However, for the right partner, this is totally not a drag. It’s not like it’s boring until Orgasm Time.  All of it is fun! The leadup is fun, the adding fingers or stroking of breast action is fun, and –to mix it up — bringing her towards orgasm and then stopping and then starting again can be extra fun. (Tip: Do not try this technique too close to her orgasm without her permission, or the frustration might make her pull YOUR hair out.)

 

Update: That’s why Grammy music superstar Chappell Roan’s recent public proclamation that cunnilingus is easy is such a breath of fresh air. Indeed, it only requires fascination, a modest amount of female anatomy awareness, a willingness to ask often about what feels good for her, and the lusty desire to make her delirious with pleasure. It’s not brain surgery, folks! 🙂

 

Tips: Closing your own orgasm gap

 

If you feel like this dynamic is unfortunately playing out in your own sex life, there are a number of things you could try:

 

• Regarding intercourse, try stroking or rubbing or tapping your own clitoris once you get going. This is 100% NOT “cheating”!  It’s just part of sex, albeit the part that basically is never shown in Hollywood. (They should show it in Hollywood!) Similarly, many women need a small vibrator during penetrative sex. Nothing wrong with a big Hitachi Magic Wand, but smaller might work better in this case because you can tuck it between you more easily. There are also vibrating cock rings, the wildly popular dual-vibration intercourse toy the WeVibe, and more.
• Spend some time masturbating with your hands and with different types of toys, to get some intel as to some things your body likes. Then you can show your partner. PS I am personally not a big fan of the whole hot-bath-and-lit-candles meme that women receive from practically every magazine and blog. If it works for you, great! But if you prefer to watch porn during your explorations, or to hunker down in your car in your hidden private driveway with your toys, or whatever else feels fun to you, I think that’s great.
• Definitely feel free to mention to your partner  the speed, pressure, or general mood of what you like best. Plenty of partners proceed at first way too soft, too hard, too fast, or too slow for your taste. But this is very easily fixable. When you feel something you like, make a noise! Or use words. Every person is so very different in what they like.
• Don’t be hesitant if you want to ask for something that seems odd. For years I begged partners to press on my lower bladder area during sex, even though I thought that was a bit odd of me. Guess what? It turns out I was basically asking then to stimulate my G-spot from the outside! That’s what was under there, not my pancreas or anything. But even if it was my pancreas, who cares? I personally would be ecstatic to find out odd tricks my partner had discovered they liked being done to them.

But here is the most important thing:

 

The #1 tip for partnered M/F orgasms

 

Here it is:

 

You absolutely deserve to have a partner who thinks you’re sexy, fun to be with, and WELL worth the time no matter how long it takes to get you off as many times as you like!

 

If he is reluctant, bored, looking at his watch, pressuring you to “switch to him now,” giving you subtle signals he thought you’d already be done — I hope you can at least consider that he is not worth YOUR time!

 

Remember: Every minute you spend with that dude is time taken away from you getting to spend time with a much better dude!

 

We all deserve patience, empathy, fun, and collaborative sexy times. I’m sending you all love. ❤️

 

 

 

 

Art credit: Sara Andreasson for the NYTimes